Until we find ourselves empty
by Wintry Leen
Summary: He is a monster, does not believe, does not love. Loving him has always been a perennial suffering for Sakura. But she stays because he is worth it.


**Prompt:** Monster

**Title: **Until we find ourselves empty

**Summary:** He is a monster, does not believe, does not love. Loving him has always been a perennial suffering for Sakura. But she stays because he is worth it.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Naruto in any way possible.

**Author's Note:** I AM STILL NOT OVER CHAPTER 685. I LOVE IT SO MUCH. I've always wanted to write something like this. I wanted to make it more elaborate but again student problems. Please read until the end and tell me what you think of it. I'm dying for reviews because it always makes me happy to hear from my readers. ;_; [Can also be found on my tumblr.]

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_**Until we find ourselves empty**_

He is a monster. He does not believe, does not love – believes he does not deserve love. So when she keeps coming around, he cannot help thinking that she must pay for trying. Love will never fill his lonely existence.

Then along the process, he also pays.

_**i.**_

"Stay with me."

She stops scanning his body for injuries and almost falls on her knees when she hears him loud and clear.

"What do you mean stay?"

"You always stick around then go; it's becoming unbearable. It's tolerable if you just stay and never go away."

Sakura cannot discern if he is being serious about it or not and if the intention and feelings are real. But she does believe. She does love.

"Are you asking me to – "

"Yes, you're moving in with me."

He abruptly leaves after that and few hours later she finds him standing in her doorway, asking her to pack her things up as quick as possible.

_**ii.**_

"Let's do it."

She flips over to turn to him and when she sees him half-naked and staring at her intently, she scrambles immediately out of the bed they share, dragging her blanket to attempt to cover her still fully clothed body.

"Do…it?"

He remains stoic.

"Yes. Isn't that normal and expected anyway?"

He also gets to his feet and slowly starts approaching Sakura.

She backs away. "Wa…wait, Sasuke. We're not married!"

"When I asked you to move in, that didn't mean we were something. What's the difference?"

"So what are we then? What am I to you?"

Because despite believing, she realizes she still wants answers.

He pays her no heed because she is nothing to him. He thinks she will yield anyway, so he lunges at her, pushes her against the wall, and roughly covers her lips with his.

She wants to push him away because she cannot sense the warmth, but she pulls him in instead; she will provide what is missing.

_**iii.**_

"I'm pregnant."

She finally declares one night after their making love (at least to her). She has lost her resolve of saying this many times before. But she is a doctor herself, and ignoring what she knows is impossible. After taking tests and confirming the truth, she finally lets it out.

She expects him to react, but his back just continues to face her.

After a few more minutes, Sakura pleads.

"Please say something."

He does not know what to say. He fucks her. That should not have caused a fruit. He does not want a connection. He just fucking fucks her. It is not something he does out of love. He does not want to.

"I don't know how that happened, but you won't listen to me even when I say, abort it, right?"

She does not want to cry, but she finds herself pulling up her blanket to help her silence her sobs.

"What…do you want me to do?"

She starts to hate herself for always expecting for answers.

He cannot take this any longer. He is the monster, and she is the victim. It is not designed to be the other way around. She cannot cause him to feel anything.

"Leave now and run away with the baby."

Maybe she still believes, and she still loves. So she chooses to smile despite the tears.

"You asked me to stay, right? Then I will."

She turns over in her side of the bed and closes her eyes until the tears stop leaking.

Sasuke recognizes this miscalculation, and he is not about to let it affect him. He does not feel anything for her because he is a monster. All he desires is to make her pay for trying, for staying still when she has had the chance to escape.

_**iv**_.

"Where have you been?"

She finally asks, seeing that he comes home late every night for the past few weeks.

"None of your business."

He brushes past her, and there is never a friction. He drops down on the sofa and starts taking off his necktie and polo. Sakura sees them – those revolting marks on the skin of his neck and collarbone.

She does not want to believe it but when she walks closer to him, she inhales another scent.

"You were…hanging out with someone."

She tries to phrase it as gently as possible while trying to subdue unchecked emotions. She does not want this emotional imbalance to harm her baby.

"And so?"

She breaks.

"Tell me you were just hanging out!"

He cocks an eyebrow at her.

"It's my choice if I decide to do more."

He stands up, heading for the room they share.

She steels her resolve for her baby.

"If it's just for fun, then…then it's okay."

He never looks back at her.

"I fuck them the way I fuck you. I call that fun."

Sakura gets the pillow from the sofa and flings it toward him with an imperfect intention to hit him.

"What the hell did I do to deserve this, Sasuke!"

She is sobbing, and she does not care. She puts her hands on her hair, biting her lip to regain emotional stability for her baby.

"You love me. You fuckin' love a monster, Sakura."

She stops crying and looks at Sasuke who is now looking back at her.

"I never had a beautiful past. I was too fucked up but you kept chasing me. I thought I'd play with you to make you leave. But you fuckin' stayed, Sakura, even when I gave you the chance to leave, you fuckin' stayed."

His voice drops to a strained whisper at the last segment of his sentence, and he recognizes that she is affecting him.

"I wanted to be your heroine, Sasuke. I've always wanted to save you and heal you and fix you. I thought about leaving countless times but whenever I see the coldness in your eyes and feel cold in your arms, the more I want to stay. I want to give you warmth before I leave and maybe receive some in return."

"But I'm a monster."

She smiles at him despite the lack of mirth in the gesture. She resigns; she cannot believe anymore.

"Yes. You're a monster, the one that I'll allow to keep haunting me forever because I love you."

It is not supposed to be news to him, but he still finds himself taken aback when he hears it directly from her. It is as if he does not know all along that she still does.

"But I'm carrying this child now and I'll love and protect it no matter. So you can try to hurt me every time but I won't leave because I want my child to grow up with a father. I'm long past believing that you can love me, Sasuke, but at least try giving to this child what you can't give to me."

She wipes her tears for the last time and walks past him to the room they share.

It is Sasuke's turn to face Sakura's back that night.

_**v.**_

"Here. Fruits."

When he offers her a basket of fruits, Sakura has no option but to look at him, with her eyes slightly swollen from last night's shattering episode. It may be an illusion, but she cannot mistake the hint of worry crossing Sasuke's face.

She raises an eyebrow.

"Because you're pregnant."

She stares at him unmoving, trying to figure him out. He has never done that before. She has gotten used to taking care of herself because in reality, he is never with her in the mornings, and they have never shared anything except for the room and the bed.

"You don't have to do this."

"I want to learn."

Sakura just raises her brow even more.

"How to love. Teach a monster how to love. How do you do it?"

He does not know where he is going with this, but if she still decides to stay even after all that he has done, then it is useless to keep pushing her away.

She laughs dryly because she realizes she is so tired of playing his game.

"Stop calling yourself a monster."

She walks past him and puts her plates in the sink.

"I'll do the washing later."

She makes her way towards the exit.

"I'll pick you up later."

She sighs resignedly.

"Don't bother, Sasuke. I'm used to going home alone."

"It's for the child." _And maybe…you._

She cannot help but smile despite the flick of pain. She is happy that he is starting to fulfill what she has requested him to do, but she aches because she wishes that he could have also done that for her.

"Okay. I'm out by 8."

She turns the knob.

"Sakura."

"Yes?"

"I'll also pick you up tomorrow and the day after that and…"

She nods.

"Thank you… and if it's about what happened last night, I'll forget about it so you don't have to beat yourself up over it. I'm staying. It's the best for the child."

"Our child."

She does not want to linger on it, so she smiles faintly and finally steps outside.

He does not know what he is doing, but he will try to learn how to love. Besides, he believes it will not be too hard. She is Sakura after all, and she fills his lonely existence with her love.

**…**

_**Fin.**_

(don't fret. there's a sequel coming sometime in august – depends on amount of school load really. but you might be able to help me make it sooner. ideas please. i'll message you once it's out. it's gonna be more fleshed out than this and hopefully it'll be a multi-chapter fic. see ya.)


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